I'm not going to CSU Bakersfield!!!!

Thanks a lot Charles Schwab and Baby Center. It's not enough that you freak my mom out every week with e-mails about things like episiotomies, loss of bladder control, post partum depression, and the plethora of random birth defects you feel the need to point out to new mothers. No, you had to go and send my parents an e-mail telling them how much I'll cost them only a month before my debut! This is really going to take the wind of my sails on arrival day.

This is what I could see of the calculation you so eagerly provided:

Here's what you're likely to spend to raise a child:
$355,906
(Before you despair, remember that your income is likely to increase over time!)

Click on each category to see what's included in the expense. Note that you can change the annual amount you plan to spend on each category or the age at which you expect each expense to start or end and then recalculate your total.

Expense	Start Age	End Age	Annual Cost
Housing
Food
Transportation
Clothing
Healthcare
Childcare/Education
Miscellaneous
College

Cost for first year (excluding college) is $16,929

Total cost is $355,906

I didn't see any category for counseling and I'm pretty sure I'll need it. I hear it's about $200 per hour and if you've met my parents you'll know that could get hefty. I'm thinking Running With Scissors kind of hefty. And if I get my dad's hair I'll need to join a hair club early on. I hear that's not cheap. Plus, I could turn out like my grandmother and have an addiction to the art of procuring expensive and exotic animals.

And exactly what college are they planning to send me to in 2025 that will cost a mere $13,000 a year? Don't they know I'm a prodigy but will be a slacker genius who shuns test taking and traditional schooling but blossoms in college, thereby making me ineligible for any scholarships or grants but too compellingly intelligent to keep away from the realm of higher education for the possibility that I may be the one to find the cure to some horrific disease? I'm pretty sure Harvard will be around $213,000 per year by then. Mom had better get back to work real soon 'cause I was out working the truffle farm with her this morning and I'm not banking on that bringing in much...