My First Fair

I almost forgot to tell you, my parents took me to the California State Fair up in Sacramento last month. Even though I couldn't go on any of the rides, I did get my picture taken in front of the insect area in one of those cut-outs made especially for kids and bellies. Some folks were a bit shocked that I would pose at such a young age, but I think the pic turned out pretty nice:
Yes, this does appear to be some sort of foreshadowing of the torture I will no doubt endure for the next 18 years. At least my parents have fun with it...

It's funny....

...I could've sworn my my mom used to have feet.
Just another day hanging out in the womb. It's getting cramped in here. Last night I spent a good hour trying to get my foot out of mom's ribcage. She kept pushing on it as if I have motor skills and could pull my foot out of my own volition. Then dad comes in and starts poking me and speaking in a strange voice. I think he may be "special". I hope I'm not "special" too.

In other news, I heard them talking about names again. I'm all for losing the Lentil Bean handle and am relieved dad is no longer pushing for "Jack Daniel" if I'm a boy. Seriously, that was an option, or so he thought. Mom says it doesn't matter because after dad sees her suffer through pushing me out she can name me anything she wants. And I know they aren't publicizing the names because then people will tell stories about idiots they've known with that name and ruin it for them, but here's what I hear the options are:

If I'm a girl, my first name is pretty much set in stone: Sarah, after my mom's good friend who passed away several years ago. I like that when spelled backward it's "Haras" - something I intend to become expert at. The middle name is still up for grabs. It was originally going to be Sarah Riley McQ, but Riley is the family dog and that would be too much. Dad wants Sarah Abigail McQ, because then they can call me SAM - after my initials. I say why not name me Samantha if you want to call me Sam? Mom wants Sarah Chance McQ, because all of this has happened by chance and she thinks it's a cool middle name - for a boy or girl.

If I'm a boy we've been through a lot of suggestions: Matzo Junior was out pretty early on, so was Buzz and Muncher, then some popular names like Parker and Cole were passed upon. The past two weeks they've been on Tobin as a first name. (I note that they have a lot of Tobin James wine in the house and this is the second booze-related name proffered by dad...). Dad wants Tobin Daniel McQ - as Daniel is a family name. Mom wants Tobin Chance McQ, again on the whimsical "by chance" thing (Could be the hormones and lack of booze on her part).

Any suggestions on how to resolve this? We've got a few weeks left to campaign...

I'm not going to CSU Bakersfield!!!!

Thanks a lot Charles Schwab and Baby Center. It's not enough that you freak my mom out every week with e-mails about things like episiotomies, loss of bladder control, post partum depression, and the plethora of random birth defects you feel the need to point out to new mothers. No, you had to go and send my parents an e-mail telling them how much I'll cost them only a month before my debut! This is really going to take the wind of my sails on arrival day.

This is what I could see of the calculation you so eagerly provided:

Here's what you're likely to spend to raise a child:
$355,906
(Before you despair, remember that your income is likely to increase over time!)

Click on each category to see what's included in the expense. Note that you can change the annual amount you plan to spend on each category or the age at which you expect each expense to start or end and then recalculate your total.

Expense	Start Age	End Age	Annual Cost
Housing
Food
Transportation
Clothing
Healthcare
Childcare/Education
Miscellaneous
College

Cost for first year (excluding college) is $16,929

Total cost is $355,906

I didn't see any category for counseling and I'm pretty sure I'll need it. I hear it's about $200 per hour and if you've met my parents you'll know that could get hefty. I'm thinking Running With Scissors kind of hefty. And if I get my dad's hair I'll need to join a hair club early on. I hear that's not cheap. Plus, I could turn out like my grandmother and have an addiction to the art of procuring expensive and exotic animals.

And exactly what college are they planning to send me to in 2025 that will cost a mere $13,000 a year? Don't they know I'm a prodigy but will be a slacker genius who shuns test taking and traditional schooling but blossoms in college, thereby making me ineligible for any scholarships or grants but too compellingly intelligent to keep away from the realm of higher education for the possibility that I may be the one to find the cure to some horrific disease? I'm pretty sure Harvard will be around $213,000 per year by then. Mom had better get back to work real soon 'cause I was out working the truffle farm with her this morning and I'm not banking on that bringing in much...

Boy or girl???

I took my mom to the doctor today. First I put her through a hellish night, though. It was revenge for her saying she's "over it" about hosting me for all this time. Really, it's not that nice to hear that you are wanted out of the only place you've ever called home just because someone is tired of carrying you around and having you suck the life out of them. It's not entirely my fault she's gaining weight, retaining water and has to pee every five minutes. She could eat and drink less if she really wanted to...And I won't even get into the things she has to say to me in the middle of the night while trying to situate her 123 pillows into some comfortable configuration. Don't think I don't know she scarfs down spicy food with no regard to my taste for it. Why do you think she eats so many Tums a day?

So what was the point of this post again? Oh yeah, we were at the doctor's office and the lady says, "You're having a girl?" This is the second time I've heard this while they are listening to my heartbeat. I guess girls have faster heartbeats than boys. I noted my mom got a little more excited when she heard this. I think she wants me to be a girl.

My parents were pretty adamant about not finding out what I am so even I don't know yet. Mom calls me "she" and Dad gets upset and says it would be better to call me "he" in case I'm a boy so I'm not confused about my sexuality later in life. Don't worry, Dad, I've seen you cross-dress in women's lingerie and be licked on the head by other similarly clad men so I doubt I'll be scarred for life by Mom calling me "she" instead of Lentil Bean every now and then. Then again, I may be scarred by you two constantly talking to me in strange voices and calling me Lentil.

Any predictions from folks who've seen me or Mom on what you think I'll be? Maybe we should start a pool or something to make it more sporting? I know the first thing I plan to do when I come out is look down and see what all the fuss is about.

Lentil Bean?!?!

Hi there. That's me up in the picture. Cute, huh? Yeah, I'm still stuck in my mom's belly but I'm only staying here another six weeks at most. In the meantime, I'm getting bored rolling around in this confined space and decided it was time to get a blog like my mom has. I hear they are all the rage on the outside, although none of the other babies I've run into has one yet. Maybe I'm the first?

So, the issue today is that my parents have been calling me Lentil Bean for months. I blame the internet for my leguminous name. Apparently I was six weeks old when they found out about me, and my mom, internet geek that she is, found the Baby Center website that had this to say about me at six weeks:

Right now she's about the size of a small lentil bean (4 to 5 millimeters across).

Thanks, Baby Center. I guess I should be happy they didn't find out about me the week I was the size of a jumbo shrimp. That would be a tough one to pull off, especially since my dad carried lentil beans around in his pocket for weeks, handing them out and announcing the news. Have I told you I think they are a bit off?

Speaking of my parents, here is a picture of them getting married. Of course, I attended. Shoot, I'm the one that prompted the nuptials!!! I'm sure they are planning to thank me later. I like how my grandpa has a shotgun, don't you? I think he's going to be a fun one!They seem normal there, but you'll see that they aren't so well-behaved as we get to know one another better.

I've got to go punch my mom's bladder for a while, then I'll decide what I want for lunch and make her go get something like six packets of cocktail sauce and fried zucchini. It's amazing the power you have when you invade someone's body!